又是一個令人傷感的秋天，經過了將近三十個年頭，多的是感情受創的傷痕，一個人獨自走在擾嚷的街頭，腦子裡滿是過往的景象，身旁那些似乎熟稔的味道，一再的讓眼前閃過一幕幕的回憶，有時難掩笑意，有時卻又不自主的紅了眼，是否是老天的捉弄，亦是自己造的孽，每段感情，總是到了最高潮，就漸漸地冷卻了，想到再相愛時所許下的那天長地久，海枯石爛的誓言，到頭來，卻只剩下滿佈傷口的心，每每想起，總以淺淺的苦笑帶過，偶爾，酸了鼻頭，汩汩的流下淚來。
回到了家，脫去自覺厚重的外衣，滿腦子映著的是那絢爛的煙火，和一顆依舊空虛、無感覺的心，唯一的念頭是不斷的咒罵那耗費許多人力、物力和財力的國慶大會，不經意的瞧見那佈滿夜空的煙火，卻令我做噁；接著，一聲老長的嘆息，讓我不自覺的走進了浴室，打開水喉，水柱嘩啦啦的沖向我的臉，眼淚隨之滑落，心裡響起的，是一段常讓我傷感的旋律「Just once. I want to understand why it always comes back to goodbyes. Why can’t we give ourselves a hand and admit to one another. We’re no good without each other. Take the best and make it better. Find a way to stay together.」哼著哼著，情緒更顯激昂，頓時軟了雙腳，手掩著那已分不清沾著的是水還是淚的雙頰，濕了一身疲憊和忘了脫下的衣裳，讓我嚎啕大哭了起來。不知是過了多少時間，我已累的不想去理會那鈴響已久的電話，只是爬上了床，讓自己未乾的空殼和極度空洞的心，抱著棉被，獨自在萬賴俱寂的深夜裡，沉沉的昏睡去。
翌日，劇烈的頭痛讓我不得不從睡夢中睜開眼，好不容易起了個身，迷迷濛濛的拿起那放置在床頭已久的水杯，也不管放了多久，一股腦的全喝了下去，然後又看看昨日未接聽的手機，發現滿是同一個號碼，但沙啞的聲音卻讓我放棄回電；我依然不想睜開眼，也不想再多動一下，只是望了一望窗外那尚未破曉的天空，又闔上了雙眼，只想等待定時在5點半的音響開啟，等著等著，我又緩緩的睡去…….
「Just once. I want to understand why it always comes back to goodbyes. Why……….Find a way to stay together.」我從睡夢中驚醒，耳邊響起的依舊是同樣的旋律，但它並非是從音響中傳來的，而是我的夢中，我拭乾了眼角上多餘的淚水，看著牆上那快了半小時的鐘，心裡不禁暗笑「又平安的過了一天」，似乎是害怕太陽的升起；昏暗的天空，讓我鬆了口氣，略過那不知是響了幾百次的手機，我只是按下了電腦的電源，寫了封E-Mail跟電話裡那些急於找我的朋友們報平安，但我似乎感覺不到「朋友」的存在，就像是活在自己的世界裡，有的只是回憶而已。
這倒讓我想起多年前看過的一部電影「Gods and Monsters~眾神與野獸」，我就像是那劇中的男主角 ~ James Whale，一個極度空虛，卻又被往事佔據的過氣老導演，用著自己所創造出的角色 ~ 科學怪人，來影射自己的人生，是那麼的孤獨、封閉。
Saturday, October 28, 2006
一個人的天堂
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Mosquito, stranger, emptiness and myself
Eight-page chilling night with hundred-pound sentimental sorrow, suddenly I lost sleep again. With candlelight and a cup of coffee, the sound of "By your side" winding around nearby my ear. The only one being accompanies me is a mosquito I am living with for several days. He's heard my sob and kept giving me comfort.
Before long, I am aware that a stranger sinking into a mirror with tear and sadness in front of me. I am trying to soothe him with my tender whisper. I asked him why he is crying, he tried to answer me with a chocking sound. "I found a stranger called Emptiness keeping weeping in silence. I was comforting him just like you. Presently I asked him where he lives tenderly."
"I live in the deepest heart of people." Emptiness answered unconsciously. The stranger said "I can't know what he told me and feel helpless until now then I have been sad after I met him." Suddenly I comprehended that the stranger lost his Emptiness. He didn't know that at first because he was lighthearted while his Emptiness lost in this mortal world. Stranger invited Emptiness to be with him although he felt empty, he didn't mind. But he didn't know that this Emptiness belongs to himself even Emptiness didn't know that.
I wondered why people would love to throw away their Emptiness as trash then get them back when they need them. Actually, I always do the same stupid things, nevertheless, I would like Emptiness string along with me for day after day. Looking steadily at the stranger in the mirror, I realized everything……….
Sleepless night / 失眠的夜
It's a chilling and an all-pervasive feel ,
The question marks came into existence in me just like a newel.
Perhaps since the day we knew, I was totally attracted to you.
I have no clue, but there is just one thing I want to prove.
Every night when I walk under the misty moon, the only thought in my mind is all of you. I am just like a fool, got lost in the same blue.
這是一個令人寒心且無孔不入的感覺
問號就像一根支柱般的存在我心中
也許自從我們相識的那天開始, 我就完全的被你吸引
我不知道怎麼辦, 但是只有一件事我想要去印証
每一個夜晚當我行走在朦朧的月光下, 在我心中唯一所想的只有你
我就像是一個傻子, 迷失在相同的憂鬱裡
I'm always tearful when your image rises before my eyes.
I guess it must that you haven't be mine.
And Time goes by, the disappointment of me such as sky high.
I was sleepless again tonight.
However, don't ask me why.
Because I'm still here and waiting for the day you say "you are the Mr. Right."
每當你的身影浮現我的眼前, 我總是淚眼汪汪
我猜這一定是你還不屬於我
時間飛逝, 我的落寞就如同天一樣高
我今夜又再度失眠
但是別問我為了什麼
因為我還是在這裡等待著你說"你就是我的他"的那天到來
Love is blind? or covered eyes? / 愛是盲目的?還是矇住的雙眼
I feel that I am a loser. I am always confused myself. I hope that I have that kinda ability to solve the little tiny things such as stop bothering myself or just stop doing something useless. I am not happy, not happy to myself, not happy to the things I've done, to the ways I've treated to my friends, to the thoughts I've ever thought..... I keep being cheated and hurt. I am used to put even all of my heart and mind to love someone, but it seems that I am too stupid. Maybe I should just keep alone. Waiting for the Mr. Right? Is there really the one in somewhere? Or it's just the image we create when someone just appear right in front of you? Then you keep telling yourself that he is the one you've been looking for years. You convince yourself of your thoughts and don't even think about it. No wonder people say that Love is blind. So I think I can just cover my eyes every day and then I can not see anything, anyone in front of me. Maybe I would feel more carefree, feel more sence of security.....
我覺得我是個失敗者,我一直困擾我自己,我希望我有解決小事情的能力,像是停止煩我自己或是就停止做一些不知所云的事. 我是不快樂的, 對自己不快樂, 對自己做過的事不快樂, 對朋友的方式不快樂,對我想過的想法不快樂.... 我一直欺騙和傷害自己, 我習慣了投入自己全部的心力去愛人,但是這似乎是愚蠢的. 也許我應該就讓自己孤單,等待對的人出現?? 真的有所謂對的人嗎?? 或者這只是我們當某人就出現我們眼前時所創造出來的影像??? 然後你們一直告訴自己他就你尋找已久的那個人. 你使你自己相信, 難怪人們說愛是盲目的,所以我想我能就只是每天矇住眼睛然後我就不用去看到任何事,任何人在我眼前.也許這樣會讓我比較舒服自在,感覺更有安全感吧.
Should I trust that there is someone worth me to love and pay all of my love for me in the rest of my life? I hope so, but maybe not. I don't know.... I don't wanna keep thinking of this question, because I don't wanna bother myself and make myself crying...... perhaps just like what I said... cover my eyes forever, or just like a silly standing in the back and keep looking forward to him.......
我應該要相信有一個值得我去愛,值得我我用愛長相守的人嗎? 我希望如此,但是也許不,我不知道....我不想一直去思考這個問題,因為我不想煩我自己和讓我自己哭泣...也許就像我說的,永遠矇住我的眼睛,或是就像是一個站在後面不停看著他的傻子.....
I am still waiting for you. It has been taking some time to do so. I don't know if there is "future" to us after we meet. We will see and maybe it's another time to get a brokenheart.....
我還是在等著你,我已經花了一段時間這樣做,我不知道在我們遇見後有沒有未來可言,我們等著看吧,也許這又是另一次換取心碎的機會.
Face of the faith
這個夜晚
我從睡夢中驚醒
屋裡空氣讓人涼的發慌
在漆黑的房間裡
我所能看到的是我懸吊在天花板上那夜光的月亮
我緊緊的依偎著枕頭
試著感覺不孤單的睡去
但是你卻在此時出現在我的腦海裡
那曾經被點燃的蠟燭
燃燒著我們共有的味道
霎時間
空氣裡似乎又瀰漫著你的味道
一種熟悉而又令人鼻酸的味道
一種我們曾經一起聞過的味道
我試著忽略它
但我的心卻不自覺的跟著它走
一下子
我胸口的起伏急遽的加快
突然一陣鼻酸
緊閉的雙眼被悄悄溢滿在眼窩的淚水微微的撐開
還溫熱的淚珠滑過我的雙頰
我猛然坐起
眼淚隨著我輪廓的形狀劃過
我感覺到漸漸變涼的淚禁不住氾濫的匯集
就在我嘴腳微微顫抖之際
滴落在胸前
是冰冷的
卻燒痛著我的心
房裡靜的令人害怕
我聽到窗外的微風輕撫著窗簾
吹進屋裡的
卻冷的讓我抓起被角圍住我溼透的胸口
我的雙手緊緊環繞著我的膝蓋
風乾的眼淚又不自覺的氾濫
我打開音響試著讓自己分心
但喇叭裡傳來的旋律
是你送我的那首只有兩分零三秒的歌
... You are the light I follow
You are the face of a faith I love
Oh my darlin' believe in me
You are the hand, my cover
You are the kin of an Indian dove
Oh my darlin' the fever in me
I went for awhile, I know
But I let it go, yes I let it go
My fear is gone
You are the hope I cherish
You are the care of a prayer I love
Oh my darlin' believe in me
In me
Believe in me...
我的心裡開始搜尋你曾經對我說過的一字一句
你要我每次聽到這首歌的時候
就想起你心裡所想的
想對我說的
想要做的
所有的
一切
當我又陷入回憶的泥淖時
時鐘的聲音
把我拉回了現實
我趕緊關掉音樂
但是規律的齒輪聲讓我心慌
規律的讓我不得不摀住耳朵
當我以為我已聽不到任何的聲音
我聽到我的呼吸
伴隨著急促的心跳
不規律的喘息著
我趕緊拭去我臉上的淚
因為它鹹鹹的味道挑動著我的唇間
偷偷的鑽進我的嘴裡
在我味蕾上
幾乎是苦澀不堪的
我忘了過了多久
等我醒來時
那刺眼的陽光透過昨夜被吹開的窗簾灑進屋內
風
停了
好像愉快鳥叫聲
和小巷內傳來的人聲
已經替代了令人心慌的齒輪聲
歸於平靜的呼吸
少了昨夜鼓動
但
雙頰上已經乾涸的淚
卻緊繃住每一吋它曾流過的動線
這是你留下的痕跡
我知道
它
會偷偷襲擊安靜而什麼事都沒在想的我
在任何時間
任何地點
尤其
是在每個只有我和我一個人的夜裡
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